Today I saw a quotation on Facebook which read, as follows:
I
liked it. And I shared it.
I liked it not because I really liked it but because
it struck me.
I shared it, so that I could reflect on it.
It reminded me of two different stories of two
couples.
Story 1: A story of marriage
The boy is a prospective groom settled in
England. The girl is an innocent Indian girl settled in Delhi. During a
conversation post their engagement she asked the boy, ‘Why did you wait until now
to get married and why did you choose me?’ She of course romanticized about the
latter question and had framed the first one just so that she could ask the second.
He told her that until then, he did not feel professionally settled. When his
friends had girlfriends and he wanted to get in a relationship, he did not
think he was financially comfortable to fund a relationship. As a young lad he
aimed to get a motorcycle before he could impress the girl. Once he got the
motorcycle, he aimed higher for a car. And then higher and higher, until he
found himself in England, rich and successful, with a house of his own, a car,
and a career people get envious of. He wanted to get married to an Indian girl,
someone who was of the same culture, grew up in similar circles. ‘And you didn’t
find such a girl in England?’ The girl was still hoping to get an answer that
he chose her because she is extraordinary, special, and beautiful or something
of that order. Oblivious the boy answered, ‘Well, girls in England do not like
Indian Men. Even Indian girls do not prefer Indian men.’ ‘ I wonder why is
that?’ he exclaimed! ‘I wonder why’
repeated the girl. The boy didn’t even notice the tone of sarcasm. Eventually,
the guy told her that he likes her because she was from Delhi and talking to
her reminds her of the city he grew up in. ‘There must be other reasons of
him wanting to marry me besides the accidental chance phenomena of her birth in
a particular city!’ thought the girl who was pining for romance. As her
dream filled conception of love faded, she got married to the guy who chose her
as his life partner.
Story 2: A Love Story
This story is completely opposite to that of
another couple where the guy was struggling to make his career and the girl,
who initially refrained from developing a relationship with this boy,
eventually fell madly in love with him. The girl initially refrained from the
relationship because she wasn’t seeking one. She didn’t know she was
romantic until she got in a relationship. She didn’t want romance in her life.
It was not part of her value system. She belonged to an acclaimed business
family and girls in her family did not fall in love with no-bodies. She was
trained from a very young age to get married when the time is right to a boy
her family will select. Eventually though, she fell in love with this boy. What
worried her occasionally is that he was not financially or professionally
settled. He was not from the same town. He was not very educated. He had a very
different background. He was not very articulate. He could not construct one
grammatically correct sentence if he had a gun to his head and was told to
frame one such sentence. He was living by himself in a metropolitan city of
Mumbai and worked his way as a junior executive in a multinational company. His
good points were that he was good looking, calm, seldom lost his temper, charming
and ambitious.
And of course, what eventually set him apart
for her was that he treated her like a queen. He doted over her. He listened to
her. He told her that she was the most beautiful person he had met. He told her
that he found her to be the nicest person in the universe. He spent time with
her, if not money. He made her feel very special. And so she reciprocated. As
their love progressed the girl nudged the guy to take their relationship to the
next level and that level was to speak to his family and talk about marriage.
And the romantic boy did. He told his mother in front of his girlfriend during a
casual conversation about a girl he really liked. As he brought up the topic of
his marriage, his mother panicked. He told her that she was a really good girl
who did not hang out with boys despite living in a metropolitan city. The
mother asked in disbelief, ‘How is that possible? You do not know these city
girls my son.’ Without paying attention to the insult to her peers, the
girlfriend who was listening to this conversation on speaker phone gestured the
guy to tell his mother that she had ‘an all girls’ education’ growing up, to
answer her question. Instead the guy
told her, while insulting his comrades (that is all men) that ‘she knows how horrible
and untrustworthy boys are which is why she keeps away from them.’ He told his
mother that the girl is very simple, loyal, educated, sweet, friendly and caring. ‘Once
she walks in the room, she brightens it up. All eyes are on her. She has a
magnetic personality’ he continued. As the boy was engrossed speaking to his
mother who was getting more and more worried as he kept on adding adjectives
for this city girl from out of town her son was obviously seeing, at that very time, the girl was getting overwhelmed and pleasantly surprised by these
wonderful thoughts about her. He had never ever told her these things in all
their conversations as explicitly and with as much passion as he just did while
talking to his mother. This girl who didn’t think romance was
important and had only dreamt about marriage was snooped over by the power of
these words which made space for romance in her life.
The boy’s mother, who wasn’t very educated or
careful with her words and wasn't aware her conversation was being heard by this girl vocalized the point that 'this girl must be trashy to hang out
with you, my boy from out of town. Educated rich city girls do not make good
daughter-in-laws. They don’t adjust well. They will keep you apart from your
parents. Do not get absorbed in the witchy tactics of these characterless girls
my son.’ Tears dwelled in the eyes of the girl, as she heard her prospective
mother-in-law dismiss her. That was the end of their relationship as she understood
relationships. ‘What does she see in you my son!? What is she looking for? Doesn’t
she know you are not rich or settled or educated?’ questioned his mother unable
to think of a reason for which this girl was trapping her son at the same time fearing/wondering whether her son had been honest with this girl. ‘Does she even
know your nature? Has she ever seen you lose your temper, get angry?’ At this
point, the boy moved away from his girlfriend and removed his mother
from speaker. The conversation was now in a very low voice. As the girl
strained to listen more, she did hear him say, ‘She has. She has seen me get
mad. And yet she is with me. I am struggling to make ends meet as you and dad
and everyone is well off at home' he said hitting his fist against a wall 'and she is besides me.' he said. He continued, 'The reason why I like
her so much mom, is exactly because she loves me despite all my
flaws. She knows who I am, what I am, what I am capable of, of our financial
situation, everything and she still cares for me and she still wants
to marry me!’ He had not realized that the reason why this girl wanted to
marry him was because that was the only obvious conclusion of such a
relationship she had been told was correct. ‘And I do not think I will find
anyone who will accept me like she does.’ He gasped. Once the conversation
ended, both knew what had to be done. Despite rationale their relationship did
not end, not just then anyways. There were times when he would kiss her and
tell her that, ‘that is all I can offer you. This is all I have to keep you
happy.’ And there were times when he would not kiss her telling her that
‘I feel guilty when we kiss. I feel bad for being treated well when I can’t
reciprocate.’ Hearing this, the girl would get emotional, kiss him instead and
calm him down telling him that ‘a kiss is not a prize which needs to be bought
by success or money. It is just an expression of love.’
Conclusion:
The men in both these stories would agree with,
'like' and perhaps even 'share' the quotation I liked and shared, but for very
different reasons. This is because they believe
like the boys in both stories despite their status in life, that money and struggle attracts a certain kind of woman.
The first story which lacked romance, despite a
want of it, resulted in marriage.
The second story which had romance, despite a
desire for it, did not conclude in a marriage.
Besides irony what these stories have in common
is the thoughts of both these men, if not their personalities.
The rich guy thought that with money he would end
up with the girl he wanted. During his years of struggle he did not believe
that he had the money to fund a relationship.
The romantic struggler felt grateful to have a
woman who loved him during his struggling years and guilty for not being able to provide for her.
As a woman I think that either love or marriage or perhaps both or perhaps the notion of these
concepts attracts women, it is not money or struggle. Some men are just lucky
to have women besides them in both these spheres of life. The girl who stood besides the struggler was not attracted to his struggle. The girl who was engaged was not attracted to money. What is strange is that men get to struggle
and men get to become rich and both kinds 'get the women!' This might
be the reason why they form a connection between their life status and women and
call it attraction. On the other hand women do not necessarily get what they
want or need from men. In both stories at least, the one who wanted romance got
a loveless marriage. And the one who wanted marriage got romance. Whether
love/marriage is a need/want is a topic of a later discussion for which there
is scope of much debate.
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