The problem of being polite

Many often I have found myself in situations, where politeness demands that one is forced to do something, without one's wishes. For instance, when you go to someone's house, and although you are not too hungry, you end up eating stuff which is put on your plate, so that the host does not feel offended. Thanks to the Carmel Convent Education, my fate in society revolves around three words: 'Thanks', 'Please' and 'Sorry'. As a young child, I was told that these are three magic words. And must always be used. And I would like to teach these words to my nephew, as he grows older too. However, come to think of it, these words have done more damange to me, in terms of social interactions than any other words could have.

I do not know how it comes to it, but quite often, I find that politeness forces me to enage in friendships with people I'd necessarily never be friends with. I feel uncomfortable in their company for a long period of time. However, slowly, I come to accept some friendships, which were initially forced by me due to my rules of being polite. What adds fuel to this fire, is my background of philosophy, particularly ethics. As I continue social bonds, which people who 'become' my friends, against my better judgment or rather a gut feeling, there comes a point that they either betray me, hurt me or insult me or cross that invisible line which must be observed in every association. And that I tell them....instead of slowly and silently drifting apart. The moralizer in me confronts such situations. Usually the result of such confrontation, though liberating for me, has a very adverse affect on those I confront. And that usually ends the social bond. Perhaps, because it was a bond, which though I didn't want, was imposed because I can't say no to easily to people I do not really know or care about. This is the main flaw of, as a teacher wrote in a recommendation letter for me, 'being polite to a fault.' And when I engage in a confrontational conversation with 'the other' about how I was treated in 'the friendship' was not right, the immediate effect is, a lot of namecalling, insults, insinuations, basically everything that effectively ends that association.

However, politeness strikes again on occasions which demand wishing people. Whether it is a birthday of a formal friend, or wishing someone 'good day' at work. This is because despite the outcome of the confrontation, I believe that politeness requires that I wish people on occasions on which people wish people. Unfortunately, these polite remarks are also met with unfriendly responses. At least twice in my life, I have come across such situations, in which I wished someone because it was the polite thing to do. And twice in my life I have got the reply, 'I do not think that after everything, we should say Hi to each other anymore.' At that point, the other establishes a closure, which mind you, I already believe I have had, because of a brutally honest, necessary required confrontational conversations I have with 'supposed' friends who manage to tarnish my spirits a little. However, when I wish such people good morning or happy birthday, I do not do that with an intention of initiation of a friendship. This also does not really come across because never do these people figure out that I was never looking to be a friend. I usually do not seek anything from anybody, least of all a friendship.

The effect of statements of 'I do not think we should ever say hi to each other anymore' is really haunting though. I perceive it to be a statement made by a fellow human being, who once enjoyed my company is effectively telling me, that I do not deserve the most basic gesture human beings share, even with absolute strangers they pass by too often, like neighbours or batchmates etc. Although I do not blame them. The sad state of society is such, that gesture of politeness is not shared between people as often as one would imagine. It is because of that gesture of politeness that these people initially sought my friendship or thought I sought theirs. The effect of that statement 'of not saying hi to each other' on me is that I believe that I am not fit for social interactions despite all my education and manners. What I fail to perceive, is that, these statements are said to me because 'the other' gets defensive and feels the loss of someone 'the other' found convenient.

Just imagine a simple scenario, that the next time you go for a social visit where the host ends up offering you really badly cooked food, instead of forcing yourself to eat the dish, you turn it down, giving a brutally honest review of the meal. If you tell the host, 'I do not eat fish, thank you very much. And even if I were ever to eat fish, after having tasted your cooking, I'd rather never eat anything at all, let alone fish' there is every chance that your host refuses to entertain you in the future. Pride or rather self preservation will guide the host to severe relations with you entirely. However, it is possible that the host still enjoyed your company, or rather misses the fond memory of someone who out of sheer politeness ate the bad fish previously.

What the impolite behaviour of people after a confrontation with an otherwise polite person, does to the polite person is far more serious that people often think it is. It turns a person, polite enough to enter into a social friendship, into a social outcaste. The message conveyed to this person is, 'you do not deserve to be around people or to share courtesies.'