It's over

Last year of my teenage life was spent with a new beginning at LSR, that is Lady Shri Ram College for Women. It was a fresh start at both a professional and personal level. I made some friends for life. I thought, for a very long time in my life, that my association with Philosophy would last as long as I am associated with college. During masters and then later as a member of the faculty that did happen. However, the rendezvous with philosophy continued till much later. Masters of Arts, Masters of Philosophy, contractual jobs as guest faculty in other colleges of Delhi University, academic research assistant, an unfinished manuscript, an enrollment at Bristol University, with an unconditional offer which is pinned at my office cubical with a miniature figurine of Santa Claus dangling on the pin. I look at it everyday.

I am currently working in a real estate company with a huge online presence in the capacity of Assistant Manager - Content and IIT IIM professionals in the management. It is not as gripping as Philosophy but my work keeps me busy. I am surrounded by educated, brilliant, engineers and managers. Most of them are nerds but strangely I get along with nerds just as much as I got along with people in academics. Last week I flew to Mumbai for a cousin's wedding. Both my mamas, the elder one and the younger one, though glad that I liked my current job, suggested that eventually I should take up academics. And there was agreement from my side too. One funny incident was when I introduced myself to someone at the party as a person who worked in the real estate sector. Moments later, my uncle introduced me as a lecturer of philosophy who teaches at St Stephens. She looked from him to me after these contradicting introductions and I did not know where to look or rather hide. I smiled. Some years back, I would have been offended by such an incident, thinking that my loved ones would rather tell people that I am teaching than doing anything else. It did happen at a party in Delhi some years ago. This was when I had finished teaching at LSR and was just finishing my Mphil Dissertation. So, at the time, I was a research scholar at Delhi University. Yet my aunty introduced me as a lecturer at LSR. You see since my family, specially the extended family, is not from academics, some of them believe it is more respectable to tell people I teach at famous under graduate colleges than be a research scholar who sits at home in front of a computer and meets her supervisor every week on a Saturday. They did not understand that to be work, worth respecting or bragging about. Atleast, that is what I thought a few years back. Now, that the same thing happened, although I was working and not just studying, I realised that my family continued to introduce me as what I did last year, not because they were embarrassed by what I did currently but because they were proud of what I did in academics. A lot of people were proud of me.

In the academic community, I have been appreciated, admired, even ridiculed and been insulted by some interior human beings in terms of ethical and intellectual calibre. Many people believed, and still believe that I achieved, whatever little I did achieve, through contacts and not because of my profile or academic sincerity. Maybe, because externally, I come across as a bubbly Punjabi girl, who loves to talk and socialize. However, inside, deep inside, I am a philosophy student, who thinks, questions, argues and is extremely serious. Some people get deceived by what they see. I have a good repo with most of my professors and teachers but not because of any other reason but because I respect them and I do get along with them, even at a personal level. Most of my professors are also very good human beings. I did get letters of recommendations. Some times I had to ask. Sometimes, I was just given. However, my relationships at Delhi University with my teachers are much more pure and honest than many people would believe. I get along with my teachers not because I have to for ulterior motives, but because I do. It doesn't matter if I am in academics or not, I always keep in touch. It doesn't matter if they have retired or have not.

Each time, the shift towards non academic jobs seem like a final one. And then an academic opportunity presents itself and I take it up, leaving a different life behind. I don't always ask for it. At the end of the day, although I cherish philosophy, I have understood that it is important to keep oneself busy, and that every profession is worth respecting. Every job I have ever done has taught me skills I couldn't have learned pursuing academic jobs. The thing about jobs is, jobs come and jobs go. Work should never stop. However, philosophy has never only been about a job, although to pursue it full time eventually, one is required for practical reasons.

Eventually I will take up academics, I would usually tell myself. Its written in the stars, its mentioned on my hands, on tarrot cards and even on an ancient Tamilian leaf. So as my family and even people at work call me Professor Sahib or Dr Garima or misrepresent me to strangers at parties and I smile.

All these years can't go to waste, can it? Many people, those close to me and some well wishes, those who have met me only for a brief period of three to four days at conferences outstation have told me, years after years, over incoming phone calls, that my destiny lies with me. I am meant to be in academics and achieve greatness. I am told by a palmist that I have two head lines. That means there is creative intelligence and there is logical intelligence and I have both, which is rare. A tarrot card reader also told me, that this year is my year. I will fulfill my heart's ambition. The only ambition I seek, is to complete my PhD from Bristol. It ends there for the short term. Once that is over, I will have to come back to India and take up a job, an academic one, following a PhD and to pay back a loan, if I have to take one. This does not imply I do not like my job in the real estate market. I love it here too. I won't mind doing my PhD and coming back to real estate too, although that sounds absolutely absurd and I am not sure I will get that option after a sabbatical from real estate. I can seek a future here if I wish to. Its just that I believed I am taking a sabbatical from academics. I will go back to academics, when the time is right. Patience pays, they say.

I will be thirty this year in October. Nearly 10 to 11 years have flown past. My rendezvous with philosophy kept on recurring. I fail to understand what would be the most appropriate word, should I choose to personify philosophy. Would that be a short lived affair or a long lasting marriage?

Even this week, I was thinking about whether or not should I apply for a partial scholarship besides a full scholarship. I was thinking if I could raise that amount of money and would it be a good investment, a practical one? Will I be able to repay the loan, should I avail it? Such repayment is mainly based on capitals, which will come from taking up a job. That should be easy. Once I clear my PhD from one of the best institutions in the world, given my background of teaching in some of the best undergraduate colleges in India and passing the eligibility criteria of teaching for a long term duration this time, a job seemed guaranteed, despite possible contingencies. I was communicating with German scholars, one of whom was kind enough to help me out with options to pursue Philosophy in Germany instead. I was actually thinking that my philosophers' block has been lifted and I can work on that unfinished manuscript again. I organized photocopies of my attested certificates and admit card for NET to submit to the University Grants Commission to procure my e certificate for NET exam. I had my papers submitted yesterday. I was told that while others have got an e certificate, the reason my delayed is because of a clerical error – my paperwork had been lost. That seemed to be the only explanations by the babus there if I had submitted my form online correctly. I checked. I had. Strangely, I was told it will still take a month and a half for me to get my certificate. I didn't worry. These things happen.

Until today, when I logged on to facebook to post what I thought about Gandhi's death, Gandhi's ironical death. I mean he was synonymous with non violence and he was killed on 30 January. Anyways, a post by a person I recall as an MA student at Stephen's when I taught there, informed me that there is a possibility that UGC might not give certificates to those who have cleared the cut off list but just the top 15 % as per the new rules. Incidentally, there is a court case going on in Kerala regarding this despite where as per a directive UGC must give the certificates to those who cleared it. I don't know what is the top 15 percentile to know if I made it to the list. If I did, I will cross check my marks. I am now suspect, if I will get my e certificate in a month and a half. This sadly has a series of repercussions on my professional life and apparently 'my life's' ambition. 

• If I haven't cleared NET, I will never get a permanent job in India in academics. 
• If I don't get a job in India, I will not be able to repay the loan, should I require to raise money for 50 percent of it. 
• If I can't raise that money, I will not be able to do my PhD. 
• It makes no sense to pursue higher studies from an international institution and not be able to work in India based on such a prestigious qualification for me, because besides educational exposure, I do not see my life anywhere else but at home. 
• So, its over. 

My career, my destiny, 10 years of hard work, studying, researching, writing, teaching, everything. Its finally over. Now I can begin on the quest of fulfilling my most cherished dreams. Just don't know what it is yet, because obviously, I just can't sleep anymore now.