Self Trap

I move but time stops. And I see what was with the hope of seeing what could have been. But all I see is what was. The prison of my mind haunts me with memories, both good and bad. Although at times my mind blocks the bad (defense mechanism) and I only see the good. My thoughts....lock out my present and take away any hope of a future, outside those memories.

I am often told to look forward and not let the ghosts of the past blindfold me.I am often advised not to commit the same mistake(s).

Such advice confuses me a lot.

For how am I to move forward and not commit mistakes which I often do commit, perhaps by sheer habit or inclination? Nothing about me has changed. As much as I would like to believe I have grown wiser with age, more sensible, mature, there is something about me which remains the same. It is that part of being which makes my essence and which I do not want changed. If I were to move on, I would probably commit the same follies. I often get trapped by myself when I try to move ahead so I trap myself in the past. Not moving on then seems like a wiser option than falling trap of my own decisions. The fear of going through another bad patch, either professionally or personally holds me back, restricts my growth.

I am told to only think about myself. And while I know thinking about myself is not selfish and probably will do me good, I fail to think about me minus others. And it is in others or thinking about others or myself in relation to others that I feel or face disappointments or excessive joy. My achievements are nothing if I can't share with the ones I love. I often fail to identify a bad situation or patch unless someone tells me I am in one. I need others in my life so that I can make sense of it, even if I don't need others to make my life meaningful because I make my life worthy all by myself. 

I know I need to fly and fly someday I will, if not today or tomorrow.

Wings are ready, energy is there, the weather is fine. I just need to see the path before I can begin to steer away into the open deep blue skies. 

Same Crime Viewed Differently: What's Wrong?

These days it is fashionable to talk about and debate over freedom of speech, with the release of PK, accessibility of AIB knockout on youtube, screening of Messenger of God or the banning of the documentary on the Nirbhaya Case, India's Daughter.

Today I was reading up on a debate between the distinction between Morality and Law which really started with questioning morally bad laws such as genocide during World War II during the Nazi regime. Nazi Regime was between 1930s to 1940s where a bunch of people allowed or joined hands to murder the Jews. So obviously there was something really wrong in the mindset of people then. Among theorists writing in 1950s and 1960s there was basic understanding of the fact that what happened in history in Nazi Germany was morally repugnant globally. In the 1970s and 1980s in America, when a serial killer like Ted Bundy was accounted for his crimes where he raped and murder, there was general dislike and hatred for Bundy in America, as it would be for any such criminal, one is likely to think. I am talking about Bundy because he was interviewed prior to his execution and he did seem to be remorseful for his acts. He admitted what he did was wrong and condemned pornography. And raping and killing and watching pornography was considered wrong.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlk_sRU49TI

But we are living in 2010s where a rapist, one among a gang of brutal murderers, goes on camera and blames his victim for his crimes.

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31698154

And our government has a problem with allowing such documentary to be viewed. And why? During Nazi regime, secret laws were passed and for a very long time the murders happened in secrecy. However, post the war the German government did not try to hide that something really wrong happened. We are not living in a state of war. But should that mean that we have the liberty to hide the demons that live within our land? Are we hiding the demons because, most Indian men, relate with the rapist and very few have the guts to voice it out loud. Javed Akhtar did. Is he less of a man or a patriot? Or does what he say not matter because he is a Muslim?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRqIHNpkdyY

It was surprising for me to read about condemnation of not what was said in the interview but because of condemnation for the documentary being made, for the TV channels which debated for the release of the film and the production house. The most absurd argument was that it makes India look bad and to release such a documentary on International Women Day is itself a political plot against India by this British network. Why are they not targeting an Arab state? (The implication being that India was being targeted because it is a Hindu nation).
I am sharing  some of the post in which I debated here. These discussions were not started by me although these contain some of my intellectual property. In order to hide the identity of the other participants of the debate, both opponents and supporters, from whom I do not have permission to post yet, for I have not asked them, I have tampered with the posts. Or lets just say the names mentioned or hidden here do not refer to any person dead or alive. However, these views other than my own do represent a thought which might be prevalent among many others.


 Had such statements been made by some random politician, my blood won't have boiled so much. What upset me was that these views were vehemently expressed by a woman, a peer from Philosophy and a friend and classmate from school.

The thread was initiated by someone who has lived in Delhi, got educated in a convent, went to one of the best colleges in South Delhi, got an education abroad. In fact this made me think about the actual state of affairs and the real problem our country is facing today. That we are not conscientious or are indifferent are not words which leaders and media persons say to get into the TV frame. It is actually a very pathetic reality. It is the reason why crime happens. Why crime will continue to occur, repeatedly and  perhaps with even more brutality if something is not done.

Existential Lamenting...philosophically

As per Vedanta, all is one. However, the journey to realize that, not only theoretically but also truly in the practical sense can take a lifetime to several lifetimes. In the loka created by ignorance, most of us have to live in multiplicity, experience agenthood, personhood, the karmic cycle and several other components. However, even here, if one were to feel oneness or be devoid of subject object distinctions occasionally, it becomes easier to tackle some existential issues which require exercise of complete good virtues, if I may say so, like loyalty, faithfulness, etc. I gradually may lose my subject object distinction with the pen I pick up to 'pen down my thoughts' on a piece of paper. The pen, which I may have bought for INR5 or INR500 then becomes an integral part of my being. It helps me to communicate my thoughts on paper, is instrumental for there to be a piece of evidence of my thought process, can be used to view and analyse my writing, which may subsequently have cues about the manner in which my brain functions, given hand writing analysis etc.

 It becomes so much more than an inanimate object that many times a writer may think that 'I have lost the pen', while it is still in his/her hand. I can say the same thing about my spectacles. They are the eyes which allows me to actually view the world in its perfection as opposed to the blur reality my actual eyes allow me to see. 

I like to sum most of a person's life's en-devours to attain oneness with different 'things' be it animate or inanimate objects like people or animals. When I eat a loaf of bread, it gets consumed in my body. My education from a particular institute defines my attitude and perhaps behavior towards other people. My job and subsequently income I make, defines my status in society and also allows me to constructively make use of the time I have, and gives me a space to perform activity, which again requires energy from my body. However, what I fail to understand. Correction. What I fail to attain is, oneness in relationships. 

By the very definition of each relationship a person has, there are boundaries and protocols to be followed because of duality of 'relation'. And these seem to be completely justified. For instance, you must not speak to your parents in a disrespectful manner. Even though you give birth to your children, the protocol of civilized society is not to treat them as possession but allow them to develop or rather help them develop skills to be able to live life independently. There are very few people, or rather there are times in every relationship, where a person may reveal his or her entirety without inhibitions. For instance, a toddler is transparent and totally dependent on his or her parents. However, when the same toddler grows up, eventually, as dependency decreases and an individuality develops, he starts sharing little aspects of his or her life with his parents. To the effect that shame takes over which for instance prevented Dhuryodhan as per a mythical story to be completely naked before his mother. However, it would be a different story if it were his wife. 

Similarly, there is always a friend, everyone may have, or some may be lucky to have, with whom you may be comfortable to share your deepest darkest secrets. Initially, those friends were your siblings but as life takes a toll, those equations change too. Usually because eventually there will be more individual in each sibling's life like a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/children etc besides parents, who share them and take their time and perhaps even resources and space. For those who think, friendships are it. You have found your person. A few more years into maturity and you realize that your friend's life has other priorities or other people who eventually take priority and it is the social protocol to allow that to happen and be okay with it. And then, perhaps for some souls comes a search of a companion in the form of a life partner because barriers develop to not allow monism with those with whom you may have shared such an equation. In some cases, the barriers can be circumstantial too, even if they do not involve people. They may be barriers created by contingencies of distances or economics. For instance, there is a time, you would tell your parents immediately that you are in debt and it would be okay for your parents to support you financially. However, as you gain financial independence and your parents begin losing their resources or the ability to earn as efficiently, you spare them the pain of your financial woes should your budget go haywire. There may be so many people who live at actual physical distances away with their person they generally lose their subject object distinction with. 

In my life for instance, several relationships took turns to establish oneness from parents to sibling to friends. The search however with respect to a life companion for me ends abruptly each time when I begin the search. Still because of social protocol, human tendency, the need for being devoid of that subject object distinction in the most beautiful philosophical and to some degree, romantic manner, it begins again. colloquially, the search for 'the one' ends once a marriage takes place and the couple lives happily ever after. In the happily ever after stage, comes the next step in the Vedantic training - of giving birth to a child, a part of a person's being initially who will be dependent on the being for a very long time before one can eventually detach oneself from it - him or her or in some cases both. The logical equation of life in such a manner is so poetic it seems akin to the biological development of life - from generation of cells to multiple cells and then eventual degeneration before death or nihilism of the body, if not the soul. I seem to be stuck in a no-man's land. 

There is a need for being devoid of a subject object distinction with someone, who will allow it to its entirety for a long duration in a healthy and positive manner. At the same time, there is no one. Most people I come across are not worth spending the same space, let alone time. With some others, it seems okay to spend the time, but not space. For instance, today I spent three hours, unfortunately, on a meeting, where after 5 minutes in that social engagement I was thinking that this person is not worth my time or space. However, social protocol forced me to spend three hours of my life I will always regret and these were three hours I will never get back again. There are very few people who would understand me and even fewer who would want to accept me with all my flaws and protect me whenever required and help me improve as a human being. And these are qualities, a person looks for in a companion with whom a step towards monism is initiated. Protection need not be against enemies or evil but might just suggest an ability to protect by driving in a safe manner, for instance. As a person who has been driving for many years now, I feel extremely uncomfortable to sit in the navigator's seat. If I trust someone enough to relax while not being behind the stick, that would mark a tick in my checklist for protection. 

A person chooses or wishes to be with a person they would like to hang out (in both time and space), someone who understands, someone who protects and nurtures the soul. And luckily most people, around 90% of people find that companionship. One doesn't necessarily have to be the richest, the most educated, the most cultured, the most well spoken, the most graceful or elegant or beautiful to find companionship which is taken a step towards understanding monism and eventual detachment that two person person needs to experience eventually long after child birth. I am sure because I have seen poor, uneducated or less educated, uncivilized, obnoxious, rude, ugly person with 'a better half.' Why is it that my individual being, besides being ethical and having some friendships and relationships more precious than life itself, have failed to find 'the one'? I am waiting to be whole before I can split into two. I wonder whether I will experience that kind of companionship almost 90% of people experience. I am 90% sure I will fail and end this search as abruptly as I begin it each time. I am much like the absurd man in the Myth of Sisyphus, who was cursed for a lifetime to roll a stone up the mountain only to see it roll down over and over again....yes this is my philosophical way of existential lamenting!!