Self Trap

I move but time stops. And I see what was with the hope of seeing what could have been. But all I see is what was. The prison of my mind haunts me with memories, both good and bad. Although at times my mind blocks the bad (defense mechanism) and I only see the good. My thoughts....lock out my present and take away any hope of a future, outside those memories.

I am often told to look forward and not let the ghosts of the past blindfold me.I am often advised not to commit the same mistake(s).

Such advice confuses me a lot.

For how am I to move forward and not commit mistakes which I often do commit, perhaps by sheer habit or inclination? Nothing about me has changed. As much as I would like to believe I have grown wiser with age, more sensible, mature, there is something about me which remains the same. It is that part of being which makes my essence and which I do not want changed. If I were to move on, I would probably commit the same follies. I often get trapped by myself when I try to move ahead so I trap myself in the past. Not moving on then seems like a wiser option than falling trap of my own decisions. The fear of going through another bad patch, either professionally or personally holds me back, restricts my growth.

I am told to only think about myself. And while I know thinking about myself is not selfish and probably will do me good, I fail to think about me minus others. And it is in others or thinking about others or myself in relation to others that I feel or face disappointments or excessive joy. My achievements are nothing if I can't share with the ones I love. I often fail to identify a bad situation or patch unless someone tells me I am in one. I need others in my life so that I can make sense of it, even if I don't need others to make my life meaningful because I make my life worthy all by myself. 

I know I need to fly and fly someday I will, if not today or tomorrow.

Wings are ready, energy is there, the weather is fine. I just need to see the path before I can begin to steer away into the open deep blue skies.