what do you do when you forget 'how' to say Hello?

It's a different thing when one forgets to greet another person when the situation asks for it, you know when you forget to say 'hello'. Its quite a different thing I realize right now, when you forget how to say 'hello'. In the former case you can make up for one's absent mindedness, but in the other case the very inability becomes a condition, a prolonged habit. The barrier is one of the inability of being comprehended, maybe due to adhering to a different scenario of social set up for a very long time. I stepped into philosophical circle some 5 years back as a naive student, and I guess I still am naive in so far as I have not really stepped out of the circle yet, and I don't think I can, nor do I consciously want to.

One can only consume and be consumed in the depth of the ocean when one chooses not to float but drown in it.

Today I attended the last of the lecture series on 'knowledge' given by the great scholar Prof Miri. Even though it was directed at a non philosophical audience, it was a high point for me. I attended a lecture after so long. Prof Miri was articulate and his words were simple and easily comprehensible and was directed at an audience which seemed very much awed and attended the lecture because they really wanted to. But one or two questions that were raised at the end of the lecture led me to believe that they were raised because they had totally missed the essence of the lecture, of the thought that was being projected in the best articulated way as possible. Prof Miri had used a Strawsonian distinction just to adapt it to his framework in the context of the lecture. It was a distinction he explained at length and linked it with his own thoughts. But the very asking of the question depicted that only the first part was comprehended, and the major portion was missed out, the essence of the lecture actually. Sir clarified the point too in his reply. I was not annoyed at someone missing the point really, (I have a tendency to get impatient on such matters, even though I might not show it, and even though it is not my position to get that way) but for the first time, I viewed my world from the eyes of an outsider, an outsider to the philosophical circle who was awed by the subject, in spite of not being able to comprehend it. An outsider that was me some time back, and parts of which still remain when I can't comprehend the works of great minds just because I am not acquainted or eligible enough to read that work. Those looks, those reactions, those mannerism are becoming more and more familiar to me now too. When I speak to people from outside of the circle, I see a polite smile, and an awed look which says, 'thats quite a thought actually! impressive!' but I do not think that I make my self clear, I do not feel that my thoughts, the gist of it is comprehended by the other person.

Maybe I don't say it right, or talk to fast and too much, or actually make no sense, or the other person is not really interested to listen to it, or does not have the time. But today, it dawned to me, that an amazing scholar could not convey his thoughts completely to a very intelligent audience either. Maybe its not the subjective so much, may be its not just me, but the content. But who is to blame for that. I think both the parties are equally innocent and it is no crime really to not understand another person. But isn't the whole point of talking: trying to communicate. And communication requires to speak the same language. I think that in the past five years my communication with the outside world has been reduced to a minimum, in so far as the outside world is composed of people not accustomed to philosophical thoughts all the time. I just don't speak the same language. I speak in the same natural language as the person I am interacting with, lets say Hindi or English, but am I really speaking the same language? I don't think so. Being silent is not an option either. There is no communication there, not even an attempt at it.

I am no scholar, I don't profess to be one, not yet, I don't think that I am very intelligent either, but over the past 5 years I have stepped deeper and deeper, thinking that maybe the outside link is still established as I do breath in spite of being drowned in my own little world, and somewhere I lost sight of the fact that I my conversation, the quality of it, has reduced with the outside world, the otherwise real world. It is not that I do not talk to people from outside the circle, I do. I talk to my family and few friends from non philosophy days. But nothing of that seems too significant. The emotive part does and is of significance but nothing beyond it. And I guess this feeling is also mutual. Nobody really wants to understand me. Not because no one cares but over the years my thoughts have become me actually. Philosophy, this discipline is what I worship. I mean I also criticize it but it is very personal to me. Even the number of people I interact with on a daily basis are somewhere related to the discipline, they have all been to the beach, so to say, to say the very least. My life centers around it. I don't think I have a personal life outside of it anymore. It is safe because in this world, my world everyone is included and still excluded but it is still very real, the rush of adrenaline, one gets when a thought presents itself, the stimulating desire to understand, to resolve the mystery of questions unanswered, it is all very real. However, nothing I say seem to have any significance at all. It is either not significant, crazy ramping of an ideal person, or someone who is about to touch something profound but not there yet in all my little worlds and circles really.

It is like in a naive moment, I stepped into the Plato's cave in search of knowledge, and the search of knowledge itself seems to be restricted in a cave of its own. While I may think that I might find some answers to questions I seek, I think my life is as naive as it was 5 years ago, in so far as the answers to those questions are and will perhaps be sought in all probability in that philosophical circle, because outside it, in the process of this search, I have just forgotten how to say HELLO to the people outside. That communication is just not established, even when I try. Maybe I don't try enough because somewhere I don't want to. I think that sanity requires me to step out of this cave, still continue the search (the two seems mutually exclusive), but I just don't know how. As far as communication goes, I find it hard to communicate within my circle, where I have sustained myself for the past 5 years, and also outside of it, where I spent the rest of my life in oblivion as well, because I was just not interested. Its just that I enjoy trying to communicate on one side, so it is easier to make an effort, as far as the other side is concerned I just do not care to even make that effort and I have started to place that world in the cave of blind people, just because I am blind to them. And when I reflect about this before posting it, I realise that there is nothing more stupid than a search of truth in a world of solipsism, where one starts and ends with Descartes borrowed thesis, the basic proposition, 'I think, therefore I am!'